Do I still
want it bad enough?
This is the
question I find myself asking as I sit 2 weeks from my first marathon on Oct.
28th. The honeymoon phase of
my relationship is officially over. Now
as with all relationships I have to find out if it is really worth it.
For nearly
a year and a half I ran every time with a sense of enthusiasm and joy because
it was something I never thought I’d even be able to try let alone succeed
at. Race after race, milestone after
milestone, it all worked seamlessly. Now
after 5 months of marathon training I find myself sitting here with a severe
case of burnout.
Sure, I can
come up with extenuating circumstances that have thrown my training off. My job has been terrible at making a clear
work schedule. I find myself unable to
set long term runs since my schedule seems to change every week. I can easily think of a half dozen runs
ruined by this incompetence.
I could
also point to actually going too hard in my training and having nagging
injuries catching up with me. These make
it difficult to maintain a normal running schedule when you're constantly having
to rest aching body parts. I have had
pain in my hip flexors and groin for months and the left heel pain has made it
tough to walk at times. Still, I have
continued on. I have bought a few
different insoles for my shoes, a foam roller for my muscles, things that I had
hoped would reaffirm my commitment and keep me motivated. Yet here I am 2 weeks to go wondering not
only if I can do this, but if I want to.
I liked the
idea of pushing myself time after time.
I felt like this was all coming too easy, the distances, the races, the
weight coming off. All of this kept my
feet moving for a year and a half. I am
thinking that the idea of running a marathon clouded my judgment. The actual training is an unbelievably
arduous process that has tested me beyond what I thought.
Running in
and of itself is hard enough. Add to
that my stress-filled cooking job, the heat, being on my feet all day, I was at
a disadvantage before I even hit the open road.
That I even made it this far is a victory in and of itself. I am looking back at my charted runs since I began Memorial Day
Weekend. These are the facts. In the calendar year before I began marathon
training I had logged 920 miles. Granted
there may have been something here and there I missed, and bike riding and
other forms of cardio were not counted, but that averages out to just under 19
miles per week. Since starting training I have been regularly topping 40 per week, a good sized jump from what I was used to.
Before marathon training
I had run a distance of 15 miles exactly 3 times in 14 months. In the 5 months since beginning marathon
training I have eclipsed 15 miles 9 times including 3 20+ runs. My beginner training program suggested only 1
20 miler. I have also included several
difficult hill runs to prepare myself for the 12 miles of hills in the middle
of the marathon route. Those are the
straight numbers.
I am in the
tapering phase now, dropping my long runs to 17-18 miles. I cannot find the motivation to even step
outside. The process of getting my gear
ready, going to a place to run, stretching, and actually running does not
thrill me like it used to. Could it be
as simple as I am fatigued from a really good hard training regimen? Could it be that it does not excite me since
I am always running on my own? Many
times I tell myself I have come too far to just give up. I paid my money for the race and have every
intention of running it, but then what?
I wanted to
run a 10K trail race in Nashua, NH the day after my 35th birthday,
November 3rd. The thought of
amping up for another race has me seriously rethinking that prospect. Do I finish my training, run my marathon, and
take some time off to recharge my batteries?
Is it that easy? Trying to get motivated
will be even harder during the cold winter months, right? Hitting the road when it’s sunny and 75 is
much easier to do than forcing yourself out the door when it’s cloudy, breezy,
and 35.
So I find
myself asking ‘Do I still want this?’ I
look at my medals and race bibs and wonder what it all means. Even a few months ago I had these plans to
run the Boston Marathon next April with the ultimate goal being to go run the
Honolulu Marathon in 2014. I can’t see
myself doing 2 more full-length marathon training programs. It is not fun for me right now, it feels more
like work, like a job. I’ve had my share
of injuries and doubt but I never thought of giving up. I thought that I was a runner now, it was
part of me. Maybe I still am. Maybe my fellow runners, especially ones who
are training for their first marathon, or remember how their first one went, can give me
some encouragement. It obviously is
bothering me if I have written this much.
All I know is in 2 weeks I will complete my marathon, my time is not important
anymore. What happens in my head and my
heart in the days and weeks after that will tell me if I am truly a runner or
just a poseur who got as far as he could before turning back.
