You know as I sit here on the anniversary of the death of my hero, the man who awakened the drive to be a writer, it still seems fresh in my mind. I can’t believe it has been 17 years since I arrived home from school Sophomore year at D-Y and flipped on MTV to hear the news. At first it had just been an ‘unidentified body’ in the room above the garage that had been found but I knew better. My gut feelings are very often correct, still are to this day, and I knew who it was and also knew what it meant.
For my generation it was the loss of our voice. Much like the loss of John Lennon was for my parents, aunts and uncles in 1980. Kurt Cobain never wanted to be a ‘superstar’ he just happened to have such an amazing gift for writing and such an ability to capture what seemed to be brewing inside all of the folks my age that it was inevitable.
The first time I heard ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ it was as if someone turned on the light switch in my life for the first time. I was sitting in Matt Medeiros’s bedroom and we turned on Pixy 103 for the hell of it near the end of the summer of 1991. On the air at that moment was a sound, something I had never heard before. It was so raw and powerful yet somehow it was melodic and deep. The voice, the words, the shredding guitar, it was like in my mind I was saying ‘now that is what music is supposed to sound like.’
Glam rock and all of that bullshit died a real quick death once Nirvana blew up. When they knocked Michael Jackson off of the top of the Billboard 200 album charts that was when Kurt Cobain’s message and his star became the bible for me and my generation. It was also the beginning of the end, but I never would have guessed that at the time. Nevermind was the first CD I bought on my own, I still have it to this day 20 years later. From beginning to end it is one of the greatest albums ever made, and now it is seen as such by so many from so many different generations and walks of life.
When Kurt Cobain died it was as if I had to grow up fast. Heroes don’t die, they don’t kill themselves, right? All heroes, all celebrities are supposed to relish the spotlight, right? They don’t recoil from it. Well Kurt never intended to be a star, never intended to be a hero. He and Nirvana never went mainstream, no, mainstream went to them. Mainstream went to them because the music of that time sucked and the Grunge movement gave it a kick in the ass that it needed.
Think about it like this. In the years after Kurt Cobain died, 1994-96 mostly, check out the album sales of many other Grunge/Alternative artists. The albums released by Soundgarden, Bush, Collective Soul, Live, and others are all their highest selling totals, it is a fact. Nirvana and Pearl Jam brought Grunge and Alternative to the masses.
Enough about the worldwide impact. What Kurt Cobain meant to me was direction, a voice that I needed at a time when I had nobody to look up to. Life for me in high school and during my early teens in general was tough, I had virtually no support, nobody to believe in me. Kurt Cobain spoke of the same ills. He was like an older brother, someone I wanted to emulate. I was never able to play guitar the way he did but I believe that I have been able to hone my writing skills thanks to him.
When he died it was as if my brother had died. I’ll never forget buying a video camera with my own money shortly after his death. The first thing I thought that would be fun to do was to create our own sort of ‘music videos.’ I remember it was myself, Barry Menard, and Rob Clark. What was the first ‘video’ we made? Nirvana’s ‘Lithium.’ All in all I believe we covered nearly all of the Nirvana’s songs. During those moments I felt as if we were connected, like through us he was still alive. In many ways he still is.
Through my writing, mostly the poetry stuff I began with, I have tried to reach deep down and grab hold of the emotions that most people don’t want to touch because that’s what Kurt did. He bared his soul and always said that he’d rather be hated for who he was than loved for who he was not. I feel the same way. If my writing, and sharing what I feel, appeals to you, great. If not, if it makes you uncomfortable, I don’t care, there are plenty of other people who appreciate my honesty.
Now as I sit here with Nevermind blasting through my speakers I am reminded of why it impacted me so. I am reminded of why I wanted to write in the first place. I am reminded why I always thought of Kurt Cobain as an older brother, someone I could look up to when I had nobody. I am reminded of how sad and angry I still am that he is not here. How I have trouble listening to the music that changed me so much because my thoughts inevitably go to his ending and not his legacy.
On the anniversary I hope that all of you who have read this can feel where I am coming from. It is just as much a story of heroes lost as it is a story of Kurt Cobain. It can relate to anybody who has looked up to someone, not necessarily a famous musician. I will never forget you Kurt, what you meant to me and what you still meant to me. Thank you for your inspiration, your music, and thank you for getting through some rough times. You’ll always be my hero and my older brother in soul and spirit.
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