Kurt Cobain & Nirvana 20 Years Later

           20 years is a long time by any stretch of the imagination. I am finding it difficult to fathom that it has been 20 years since Kurt Cobain died.  He was the man, well, part of the band Nirvana, which influenced the direction of my life more than anyone.  I am a writer today because of him.  It’s been 20 years, I still remember like it was yesterday.  Forgive me if this all comes out in a rambling haphazard way, I do not like to write blogs like this in a structured way.  I like it to be free flowing from my mind to the screen with little if any editing.

            Before I can remember the end I choose to remember the beginning.  I’ll never forget that night in August 1991.  I was 13; heading into 8^th Grade, summer was coming to a close.  I had been hanging out with my friend Matt and we were in his bedroom when he happened to turn on the radio.  Coming from the tiny speakers was this sound that was unlike anything I had heard before. 

            I only caught the final minute and a half of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’ but that was all I needed.  I had to find out who made that sound.  It was as if that song in 90 seconds had tossed a brick through the window of my life revealing something amazing on the other side.  I carefully stepped through and never looked back.  Within a few weeks Nirvana’s Nevermind was released and I bought it.  This was one of the very first compact discs I had ever purchased.  I still have it; the thing was played so much that it is coated with scratches and ‘cd rot.’ It is pretty useless now, but the memories remain.

            Kurt Coabin’s angst in his lyrics spoke to me as to what was going on in my own life.  I was part of a divorced family setting with a stepfather who was not kind to me as I entered my teenage years.  I was not happy with who I was or where I was and thought nobody would understand.  Kurt was 10 years older so he was like a big brother sharing what he was dealt with.  I kept thinking if I followed his path I’d end up like him.  I wanted to be a singer/songwriter so I could find a way to express my own inner pain in a way that was creative and inspiring.  I hoped that maybe I could do for others what he did for me.  He made me make sense.

            I would eventually find out I was pretty much tone deaf and couldn’t play guitar worth a lick, but the writing part of the equation was actually quite good.  I would write song lyrics and poetry that were littered with real life raw emotion, things I didn’t like to share.  The poetry later became short stories and novels before evolving into the travel writing which landed me my first book deal.  It is easy to trace the steps back to that night in Matt’s bedroom where I heard that lovely ear-splitting music that changed my life.

            I remember in 1992 or 1993 trying to explain to my Dad that Kurt Cobain was my generation’s John Lennon.  Being a child of the 1960’s and a giant Beatles fan my Dad of course could not see how the scrawny, screeching, feedback blasting kid was anything like the man who sang ‘Imagine,’ ‘Give Peace A Chance,’ and ‘Instant Karma.’  I could not convince him back then maybe because it was still happening, Generation-X was current, not in the past.  These days it surprises me that my Dad can finally see what I was trying to say. 

            Nirvana was to me what The Beatles were to him. 

            Then in a flash it all ended.  The Grunge movement that killed hair metal, that knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the Billboard charts.  The Grunge movement that was so anti-mainstream that the mainstream had to go and find it.  It was over April 8, 1994.

            I remember coming home from school, Sophomore year.  I put on MTV, back when they were actually a music network.  There was the story: A body had been found in the room above Kurt Cobain’s garage.  Selfishly I hoped it was someone else, but deep down I knew better.  In short order it was confirmed who it was.  What made it worse was that he had ended his own life.  As the days and weeks and years passed I would learn so much more about what made Kurt Cobain tick, his stomach problems which led to drug addiction.  It made his suicide a little easier to swallow, maybe that’s just me making excuses for him. 

            In a snap his music and message were a part of history.  Now he is seen as a legend, a mythical figure, in the likes of Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendrix.  I actually get it now too since I was a part of the whole Grunge movement, but it is still a little weird to hear Kurt Cobain spoken of in that same way.  I remember needing to hear more of Kurt’s words so badly that I ended up purchasing every bootleg and B-Side filled disc, this was long before the With the Lights Out boxed set came out to make all of those songs easy to find.

            It’s funny now looking back at the videos and interviews and thinking that Kurt Cobain and Nirvana were larger than life figures but I am now actually older than he was when he died.  It’s weird that Dave Grohl’s band Foo Fighters have actually been together longer than Nirvana now.  I remember that my friend Rob and I had plans to go and see Nirvana as our very first concert during the summer of 1994.  They were supposed to headline Lollapalooza, but of course that never happened.

            I remember I tried to measure the impact Kurt Cobain had on music in general in the years after his death.  I made a chart for college that showed a list of the album sales of other grunge/alternative bands in the 5 years after Nirvana was finished.  It was as if Nirvana left such a hole in people’s musical lives that they scrambled to find the ‘next’ band like them.  There were some very deserving, awesomely talented bands like Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and Alice In Chains who got the recognition they should have.  Pearl Jam is a stretch since they are usually seen as The Rolling Stones to Nirvana’s Beatles; they were/are every bit as good as Nirvana.

            On the other side though there were some weaker ‘alternative’ bands that saw huge record sales in the same 5-year period, bands like Bush, Live, Collective Soul, and countless others.  Don’t get me wrong, those bands are good, but they only got as big as they did because of the gaping hole Nirvana left.

            I’m not going to turn this into complaining about music after Nirvana though.  I am just amazed that it’s been 20 years now.  April 5 is the actual date as Kurt’s body wasn’t found for 3 days.  So I choose to celebrate his life and music for those three days.  I might never have an album, or play guitar, but I am a writer now and it all goes back to that night I first heard ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ on a little alarm clock radio.   

            I have celebrated his life and message basically since the moment I found out he died.  I think now a lot more people will figure out the impact of Nirvana thanks to it being a round number like 20 Years.  It also helps that there is a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction coming up, plus numerous magazine covers out right now.  I am not saying that everyone has to recognize Kurt Cobain as my generation’s John Lennon, but maybe if you think of who had that kind of impact on your life maybe you would understand what I am saying.  That’s how it will make sense to you. 20 years is such a long time especially when it still seems like yesterday.

Must-Listen: Smells Like Teen Spirit

                    Lounge Act

                    About A Girl

                    All Apologies

                    Aneurysm 

               

49 - 4/5/11 - Kurt Cobain 1967-1994

You know as I sit here on the anniversary of the death of my hero, the man who awakened the drive to be a writer, it still seems fresh in my mind.  I can’t believe it has been 17 years since I arrived home from school Sophomore year at D-Y and flipped on MTV to hear the news.  At first it had just been an ‘unidentified body’ in the room above the garage that had been found but I knew better.  My gut feelings are very often correct, still are to this day, and I knew who it was and also knew what it meant.

             For my generation it was the loss of our voice.  Much like the loss of John Lennon was for my parents, aunts and uncles in 1980.  Kurt Cobain never wanted to be a ‘superstar’ he just happened to have such an amazing gift for writing and such an ability to capture what seemed to be brewing inside all of the folks my age that it was inevitable.

            The first time I heard ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ it was as if someone turned on the light switch in my life for the first time.  I was sitting in Matt Medeiros’s bedroom and we turned on Pixy 103 for the hell of it near the end of the summer of 1991.  On the air at that moment was a sound, something I had never heard before.  It was so raw and powerful yet somehow it was melodic and deep.  The voice, the words, the shredding guitar, it was like in my mind I was saying ‘now that is what music is supposed to sound like.’ 

            Glam rock and all of that bullshit died a real quick death once Nirvana blew up.  When they knocked Michael Jackson off of the top of the Billboard 200 album charts that was when Kurt Cobain’s message and his star became the bible for me and my generation.  It was also the beginning of the end, but I never would have guessed that at the time.  Nevermind was the first CD I bought on my own, I still have it to this day 20 years later.  From beginning to end it is one of the greatest albums ever made, and now it is seen as such by so many from so many different generations and walks of life.

            When Kurt Cobain died it was as if I had to grow up fast.  Heroes don’t die, they don’t kill themselves, right?  All heroes, all celebrities are supposed to relish the spotlight, right?  They don’t recoil from it.  Well Kurt never intended to be a star, never intended to be a hero.  He and Nirvana never went mainstream, no, mainstream went to them.  Mainstream went to them because the music of that time sucked and the Grunge movement gave it a kick in the ass that it needed.

            Think about it like this.  In the years after Kurt Cobain died, 1994-96 mostly, check out the album sales of many other Grunge/Alternative artists.  The albums released by Soundgarden, Bush, Collective Soul, Live, and others are all their highest selling totals, it is a fact.  Nirvana and Pearl Jam brought Grunge and Alternative to the masses.

            Enough about the worldwide impact.  What Kurt Cobain meant to me was direction, a voice that I needed at a time when I had nobody to look up to.  Life for me in high school and during my early teens in general was tough, I had virtually no support, nobody to believe in me.  Kurt Cobain spoke of the same ills.  He was like an older brother, someone I wanted to emulate.  I was never able to play guitar the way he did but I believe that I have been able to hone my writing skills thanks to him.

            When he died it was as if my brother had died.  I’ll never forget buying a video camera with my own money shortly after his death.  The first thing I thought that would be fun to do was to create our own sort of ‘music videos.’  I remember it was myself, Barry Menard, and Rob Clark.  What was the first ‘video’ we made?  Nirvana’s ‘Lithium.’  All in all I believe we covered nearly all of the Nirvana’s songs.  During those moments I felt as if we were connected, like through us he was still alive.  In many ways he still is.

            Through my writing, mostly the poetry stuff I began with, I have tried to reach deep down and grab hold of the emotions that most people don’t want to touch because that’s what Kurt did.  He bared his soul and always said that he’d rather be hated for who he was than loved for who he was not.  I feel the same way.  If my writing, and sharing what I feel, appeals to you, great.  If not, if it makes you uncomfortable, I don’t care, there are plenty of other people who appreciate my honesty.

            Now as I sit here with Nevermind blasting through my speakers I am reminded of why it impacted me so.  I am reminded of why I wanted to write in the first place.  I am reminded why I always thought of Kurt Cobain as an older brother, someone I could look up to when I had nobody.  I am reminded of how sad and angry I still am that he is not here.  How I have trouble listening to the music that changed me so much because my thoughts inevitably go to his ending and not his legacy.

            On the anniversary I hope that all of you who have read this can feel where I am coming from.  It is just as much a story of heroes lost as it is a story of Kurt Cobain.  It can relate to anybody who has looked up to someone, not necessarily a famous musician.  I will never forget you Kurt, what you meant to me and what you still meant to me.  Thank you for your inspiration, your music, and thank you for getting through some rough times.  You’ll always be my hero and my older brother in soul and spirit.

35 - 2/23/11 - Marshside Storytime II

Initial Impressions

35 – 2/23/11 – Marshside Storytime II

Somebody to Love c.1993-94

Time for Marshside Storytime again.  This time it is the story of the famed Prep Boys, Liam and myself.  Being young and ‘hardcore’ back in 1994-95 we would blast all sorts of grunge and alternative music to get ourselves motivated for the insanely long Maui prep lists that greeted us every morning on the prep room wall.

            These prep lists were a full sheet of yellow-lined paper with two columns of items to be done, some items contained more than one thing ie: slice and dice tomatoes.  This was also before we had the intercom, although that was short-lived as I mentioned in my first Marsh storytime.  So when we had our music loud blasting Nirvana, Pearl Jam, STP, and Alice In Chains, it was virtually impossible to hear any whistles or shouts from across the parking lot.  Needless to say that got us into lots of trouble at times, but that’s a story for another day.

            Anyway, during our long prep days we would have the grunge and alt rock blasting away, echoing off of the walls.  In fact I loved it louder than Liam did, still do.  He would get angry at times at how loud it was.  His favorite trick was to not speak at all but just move his lips like he was saying something to get me to turn the music down.  Once I did he would keep moving his lips silently and then laugh at me.  Thanks man, always appreciated that!

            After a long prep day it would be time to clean up.  Now from what you have read about our musical taste I’ll bet you have a pretty good idea as to what our ‘clean up theme’ was, right?  Something by Nirvana? Wrong.  Something by Pearl Jam? Wrong.  Something by RHCP? Wrong.  STP? AIC? Soundgarden?  Wrong again.  No, our song of choice for cleaning up was ‘Somebody to Love’ by Queen.

            Give me a break all right, it was 1993, 94, we were 16 or 17, and Queen had a resurgence after Wayne’s World had showcased Bohemian Rhapsody in 1992.  Still, even though the song is quite different from the grunge/alt we had played our reaction to it was much the same.  You haven’t lived until you’ve gone nuts to a softer, mellow song. 

            Our typical cleaning to this song consisted of playing air guitar on a broom while standing on one of the stainless steel prep tables.  There was also some dancing with the round Rubbermaid trash can, spinning, and spinning.  This resulted in the handle of the trash can crashing through the wall, leaving a nice hole in the wall which we quickly covered up with duct tape.  There was also a thrashing incident that ended with a steel, used for sharpening knives, being pitched like a javelin into the wall until only the black handle was visible.  This was also quickly covered up.

            Like I said in my first piece, there is a statute of limitations here, hell this building I am speaking of does not even exist anymore so I would like to think I am in the clear as far as any foolishness perpetrated by myself or anyone else.

            So there you have it, perhaps the most famous of all of the Prep Boys theme songs is a Queen song about being lonely without love.  Yet somehow it all fit in and all made sense.  Hope you enjoyed my secret/sad revelations.  Join me again next time for Marshside Storytime.  Cheers!